It's convenient to blame Disney's ESPN X-Games, Big Brother Magazine, The Industry, scooters, skateboarders, whatever happened to? Old Pro's pointlessly publicized "OMG used to be a rollerblader!!!" artfgt rebirth, Michelob Ultra, or the Human Giant Sketch. But all they've ever been are distracting, mildly depressing externalities: easy excuses. Blaming childhood heroes or "skateboarding" for Barely Death is much simpler and makes everyone feel better.

In reality, the descent has been a slow one, guided by internal failure on the smallest scale imaginable.

With the seventh anniversary of Get Someone To Blade Day fast approaching, it's safe to say the plane crashed before it left the hangar. Meant as a marketing campaign to hook outsiders, it was doomed by fatal design flaws from the start. In theory, GSTBD was a good idea in the same way that deep-fried beer and suspension frames have always been magically seductive fantasies that capture the human spirit -- but time and again, implementation proves cumbersome and impossibly ineffective.

It's worth noting that design for the plane included only one wing. Maybe we need alien tech to make it fly?

If bladers ain't even gonna blade, can they really be troubled to get anyone else to blade? Consider the following blackbox contents retrieved from the pre-launch crash site.

Guiness Sampler: I'm at work today. I'm busy this weekend. My ankle hurts, and might not feel better by the start of next week. I cant think of a spot to go to. Its raining. My camera's run out of battery. My CRS frames were late. That spot's always a bust. I'm hungover. I lost a soul plate bolt and my skates feel too flexy. TJ Webber did it 15 years ago. I tried but kept coming out fakie. Its too dark. I spent all my money on Nandos and cant afford train fare. I'll be there at two. I lost my wax. I'm too tired. I have to go sign on. It's too hot. It's too cold. I'm grounded cos of that thing last week with the cats. Can anybody give me a lift? I've bought some cults but they're too wide for my feet. I've joined a cult but they're too wide for my beliefs. I bumped into an old friend on my way to the spot. Relatives from out of town came to visit. I'm on my way, I'll meet you there. Lets go to Castlefield. Its pride this weekend. I left my skates at my parents.

The clips are on my phone.
The quality sucks.
My arm is weird in that shot.
I'll go back another day and do it better.
I need new wheels.
I need new bearings.
I need new frames.
I need new skates.
Do you have a buckle?
My new setup isn't here yet.
My new skates aren't broken in.
I don't like my new skates.
These wheels are dead.
These wheels are too big/soft/hard/small/narrow/round/flat.
I've already skated this week.
Just remembered I've got this thing, might be able to blade tomorrow.
Nobody wants to blade.
On fb it didn't look like anyone was blading.
[no response].
Nobody wants to film.
I don't have a tripod.
I'm hungry.
It's dinner time.
I ate too much to blade.
My knee is making a noise when I move it.
Kinda high.
I only have work clothes.
I've gotta finish this thing for work by next Tuesday.
The day after tomorrow's better: I don't have to work until next Tuesday.
It's too late.
It's too early.
Just woke up.
I peaked in 199X/200X.
Nobody cares.
I can't find my Nobody Cares shirt.
I can't find my skates.
I lost my keys.
This needs to heal more.
Got a bad blister/nail.
Need to go get coffee first.
At the bar.
Going to a show later.
My friend's band's playing.
My band's playing.
My other band's playing.
I'm playing Jet Grind Radio/Aggressive Inline/Blading The Game/On A Roll.
We leave for tour in a couple days.
They stopped sending/giving me free/team discounted skates/wheels/frames/bearings/shirts/beanies/socks/wax/du-rags/keychains.
Out riding my bike.
Out on my bike.
I'd go but I don't have a helmet.
Wanna go bowling?
Too out of shape and need to go to the gym for a while before blading again.
Too sore from the gym.
Too sore from running/cycling/climbing/hiking/badminton/racquetball/tennis/table tennis/wii tennis/croquet/sailing.
I'm working on some art.
I kinda suck now.
I'm too fat.
I'm too old for that shit.


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